Needles, Dunes and Other Natural Disasters

In Chapter 9 of "Augusta Confidential," our undercover lawmaker calls a spade a spade and more.

Editor’s note: Reese Calloway is a pseudonym for a currently-serving Maine legislator.

By Reese Calloway

This week in the People’s House, the encamped circus ran three rings deep under the dome: constitutional cosplay, legislative delusions and a sand dune with its own dumb fan club. Let’s start on the House floor, where Rep. Ken Fredette boldly asked: What if the Sixth Amendment was just a suggestion? In a move that has Justice Antonin Scalia rolling in his robes, Fredette voted against a bipartisan bill to add much needed public defenders to deal with Maine’s giant judicial backlog. In Fredette’s world, due process is more of a “maybe” than a mandate. Equal justice is for those with a platinum credit card and a prayer. Why uphold a constitutional requirement of legal representation when Fredette, a licensed lawyer, pretends the right to an attorney is sort-of-like a Groupon coupon? Equal justice under law, in Fredette’s apparent version of America, is reserved for those with qualifying credit scores.

Meanwhile, the still boat-less fake lobstah-man Billy Bob Faulkingham and his Anti-Institution Posse (the aforementioned Fredette along with Senate Leader Trey Stewart and his toady Sen. Dick Bradstreet) rolled out their dream package of democracy demolition. These brainiacs have a slate of bills to elect Maine’s Secretary of State, Attorney General and State Auditor by public vote. Nothing says serious governance like turning oversight positions into TikTok popularity contests at a great cost and inconvenience to taxpayers. And this grandstanding doesn’t help with our housing, energy and educational crises.

Meanwhile, in the Education Committee, Sen. Jeff Timberlake is pushing a plan to allow hunting on University of Maine campuses. Because what better way to support higher ed than letting folks take a shot – literally – between lectures? Timberlake has given “aim high” a whole new meaning.

Not to be outdone, Sen. Scott Cyrway, the churlish former cop, never misses an opportunity to turn science into farce. The retired sheriff's deputy introduced a bill allowing roadside spit tests for intoxicated drivers, pilots and hunters. Because nothing says public safety like saliva sampling administered by Deputy Barney Fife or Officer Bozo-the-Clown.

Then came the “Right to Repair" hearing, a full-blown lobbyist stampede inside the Housing and Economic Development Committee. You needed a press pass, elbow pads and divine intervention to gain admittance. Consumer advocates just wanted to fix their brakes without being treated like international cybercriminals. Doesn’t matter, apparently, to industry reps that 84 percent Maine voters approved the measure in 2023. The car hacks and flacks responded with breathless panic about meddling “malicious foreign actors,” thus turning the public hearing into a Cold War karaoke night.

Across the hall, Rep. Kimberly Hagan – the former educator and current MVP of misplaced mic grabs – returned to her favorite topic: prophylactics. You know that cringy crazy aunt that embarrasses the whole table whenever she opens her mouth during Easter dinner? That’s Hagan. In her testimony, she warned Mainers that letting teens access condoms might end civilization as we know it. (Which might be a good thing?) Her soliloquy was part public health disinfo mixed with religious fan-fiction, plus a dash of lunacy. “Parental rights,” she warned ominously, were at risk, as if rubbers (along with vaccines, books, gender-affirming care, DEI and American history) were actually a cabal of horror movie villains, eager to take away parents’ ability to screw up their kids’ lives. Meanwhile, the real nightmare is children losing healthcare because certain lawmakers are allergic to the facts of life.

Next up under the dysfunctional legislative circus spotlight: Needle exchange programs. Rep. Ann Fredericks offered a speech so incoherent that it might qualify as abstract art or drug-fueled babble. Then Rep. Wayne Parry recounted a tale of his mother stepping on needles—not metaphorically, but literally. Which raised more questions about where his mom hangs out rather than determining the efficacy of programs intended to help slow the spread of disease and protect communities. And then there was Rep. Lucas Lanigan (currently out on bail and facing assault charges for allegedly strangling his wife in Oct. 2024 at a storage unit in Sanford), declaring that “needles are currency now.” For what, exactly? He wouldn’t know. Or would he? And neither do we. That’s the magic of Lanigan—always fireworks, never clarity.

And because Maine can’t let a good public health issue go un-botched, child marriage came up again. Rep. Laura Supica, a Democrat from Bangor, sponsored the measure to ban marriages for Mainers under the age of 18. (A couple years ago, we raised the minimum age for nuptials from 16 to 17, with parental permission.) This time, Rep. Jim Thorne compared an underage person being allowed to pursue holy matrimony to choosing between ham, bacon or sausage. Huh? Not speaking metaphorically. That’s what he actually said. Don’t try to figure out what the hell this retired wingnut means, because he’s about as deep as a petri dish and sentient as a paramecium. And he apparently thinks it’s okay for old pedos to marry underage girls. Or, conversely, cougars to hunt young males. So much for protecting our children.

Naturally, Rep. Lanigan wasn’t done putting his hoof in his mouth. The currently unemployed father of four took another swing at his favorite imaginary enemy: gender-affirming care and birth control. According to this alleged domestic abuser, healthcare for kids is more dangerous than letting minors marry 45-year-old men. That’s a pretty weird hot take from a guy currently facing one count of domestic violence aggravated assault Class B and a second charge of Class D domestic violence assault.

And then the dune. Yes, back to the dunes on Sears Island. Rep. Reagan Paul gave another trembling dramatic monologue in defense of her sacred sand pile, railing against wind turbines and science like a bunch of environmentalists had just keyed her gas-guzzling truck. Paul’s voice quavered while lamenting alleged green corporate encroachment, just before defending a bill... written by petrochemical corporations. The irony was so thick it could be used as erosion control at Popham Beach down to Phippsburg.

It’s only mid-April, but the air in Augusta, already dirty with pollen, is getting chunky with bad takes and a flood of legislative fever dreams that would have Franz Kafka begging for Dramamine. If you come to the State House to observe your legislators in action, don't expect reason, logic or accountability.

Unfortunately, unless the GOP gets some new ringleaders, this circus buffoonery won’t end with Adjournment sine die.

(Editor’s note: In celebration of the 4-20 Easter holiday, all Crash Report subscribers will be entered in the Crash Report Canna-Contest. Winners will receive an amazing canna-pak. Must be 21+ to win.)