Cry Me a River
GOP leader sheds tear(s) during speech, plus lazy legislator fails in attempt to censure House Speaker (and more) in Chapter 6 of "Augusta Confidential" by Reese Calloway, undercover lawmaker.
Faux Lobsterman’s Boat Still in Shop, His Buoys All Kelped Up
by Crash Barry
For a fella who built his whole political persona on being a “tough lobsterman fighting for the working class,” it’s weird how Billy Bob Faulkingham doesn’t own a functioning boat and hasn’t hauled his traps in months. (More on that in a bit.) Also, based upon his recent legislative performance, the Maine Republican House Leader ain’t nuthin but a blubbering dubbah. That became painfully apparent watching the dude getting all choked up during a speech last Thursday.
You can watch the cringy five minute video below. Be forewarned, tho, the state rep from Winter Harbor isn’t known for his oratory skills. And he spent two-and-a-half minutes of his speech, clunkily reciting the “Love is patient and kind” Bible verses from First Corinthians, oft used in wedding ceremonies and funerals, in an apparent attempt to get the Repubs and Dems to love each other.
Next, the state rep from Winter Harbor (using a bizarre loophole in legislative rigamarole) asked the Speaker of the House to accept his unconvincing scriptural recitation and “heartfelt statement, today, as fulfillment of the requirement of rule 401 part 11.”
In other words, inspired by a weird interpretation of legislative rules regarding his leadership powers, Faulkingham implored the Speaker of the House to consider his Biblical jibber-jabber “an apology” on behalf of his colleague, Laurel Libby, the Auburn representative currently under censure for doxxing a teenage athlete.
And the Speaker declined Faulkingham’s request. As of press time, Libby still can’t cast votes and perform other legislative duties until she says sorry.
This wasn’t Faulkingham’s first instance of wasting precious legislative time reading aloud from the Bible during working hours. On many occasions in the last eight years, Faulkingham has made a point to spout mumbo-jumbo into the Legislative Record. It’s a reliable go-to for the big fella when he’s got nothing of substance to say, but wants to appear pietistic.
That’s because Faulkingham is a Christian-Nationalist soldier fighting the battle against the demons in charge of the “Seven Mountains” of modern society. In Faulkingham’s church-view, evil spirits are currently in control of the family, religion, education, media, arts & entertainment, business and, most powerfully, the government. And the “Seven Mountains’ Mandate” (a fringe prophecy from 1975) calls for true believers to re-conquer the Seven Mountains. And the gov’t is the most important mountain for the death-cultists to take back because it controls the other mountains.
All this in order to have Christian world domination, which prophecy foretells, will trigger the End Times, re-animate corpses, bring back Jesus, etc.
Wet Hot Christian-Nationalist Summer, Chapter 1 goes into greater detail about Faulkingham’s religiosity, but I’ll highlight these points. Faulkingham belongs to the downeast branch of a growing End Times cult, known as the Charleston Church, that has five locations across Maine. A so-called “independent” charismatic church, with a Pentecostal flair (and history), Charleston Church’s theology is eschatological in nature, aka obsessed with the coming Apocalypse.
Also, Faulkingham’s church subscribes to the Five-Folds Ministry concept, believing we’re living in miraculous times, akin to the biblical era when all sorts of supernatural stuff supposedly happened on a regular basis. Re-enchantment for churchgoers, basically, with a mystical worship practice where modern day prophets have magic visions, preachers heal the sick with the laying on of hands and folks speak in tongues, aka glossolalia.
And while (due to cranial restraints) Faulkingham might not be operating at a highest level of actual comprehension of the whole holy war plan, the ultra-conservative religious thinkers he obeys totally understand the End Times endgame. According to the 7MM prophecy, once Christians take control of the planet’s society and government, the Apocalypse gets triggered and Jesus returns to Earth for the Day of Reckoning. And Billy Bob is doing his part, as leader of the House Republicans in the Maine Legislature.
Yikes.
Anyways, that’s why Faulkingham uses the Bible performatively on a regular basis.
Also, I don’t believe his emotional display was connected to the legislative turmoil regarding Libby’s doxxing of a teenage student athlete. Faulkingham’s church views LGBTQ folk as sinners, in need of conversion or they get sentenced to the “Lake of Fire” just because of whom they love. And to prevent misunderstandings that could result in eternal damnation, Faulkingham’s church’s website lists the types of people they view as sinners .
To be clear, bigotry, in Faulkingham’s cult, is a feature, not a bug. Thus, he welcomes the anti-trans controversy generated by Libby as a way to further his own hateful rhetoric and agenda.
That being said, since both he and Libby have aspirations for higher office (and she’s challenged him twice for his leadership office), gotta wonder about Faulkingham’s true motivation in asking forgiveness for his rival.
Bible-thumping Bigoted Billy Bob’s Boat Still Busted
Content warning: Gory photo ahead.
Faulkingham’s tears, I’m convinced, were more likely due to the stressful situation connected to his half-done lobster boat than the outrageous treatment of a transgender teenage athlete by one of his colleagues. Still sitting in a shop downeast, his boat, the F/V51 is dust-covered and unfinished, and unlikely to be ready to be back in the water anytime soon.
That’s gotta be tear-jerkingly stressful for the fella, for sure. Tough to launch a bid for governor as the “lobsterman-turned-candidate” when your boat is perched on stands in the back building of a boatyard in Washington County.
As longtime readers know, I’m the only journalist that has reported the real story of Faulkingham’s maritime disaster in Sept. 2023, when he flipped his lobster boat and seriously injured his sternman while trying to shoot vid of waves breaking on the Turtle Island Ledges while trying to create content for the socials.
That failed stunt not only nearly killed his employee, (gruesome hospital portrait below) but also sank his 40-foot lobster boat, which was salvaged after spending a week on the bottom on the sea. And cost him, in expenses and lost earnings, at least $600,000.
Instead of admitting to his stupid mistake, though, Faulkingham lied about where he was when the boat flipped and conjured up a bizarre story of divine intervention. He has repeatedly told media and church groups about an alleged rogue wave (that no one else in Maine witnessed) and how his God miraculously kept the boat afloat until they were rescued. Also, an angelic form of a recently deceased 18-year-old lobsterman (?!?!?!?!?) possibly helped Faulkingham out of the water, while his sternman was knocked unconscious, concussed, with a broken arm, under the overturned boat.
Clearly, the vessel was destroyed beyond reasonable repair. The consensus from my panel of maritime experts: a smart fisherman would use the insurance payout (reportedly about $200,000) to purchase a good used boat in order to get back to catching lobsters and making money.
But Faulkingham isn’t a smart fisherman. Instead of investing the insurance cash in a used boat, he decided to rebuild the sunk vessel. Which everyone down on the shore thought was a dumb idea, except Faulkingham and the guy he hired to do the job.
Last year I spoke, at length, with Eric Moores, the owner of H and H Marine in the Washington County town of Steuben. At the time of our conversation, Moores estimated that it would cost Faulkingham $300,000 and expected to have the boat back in the water by the summer of 2024.
The fella was overly optimistic, to say the least. According to Moores (and others familiar with the boat job) one problem after another delayed the project, including a missing replacement engine that somehow got stranded at a machine shop up the road in Columbia Falls. Then Moore had a heart attack. Then one of his lead men quit working the gig to take a sternman job.
And then, according to some wags down on the shore, Faulkingham’s cash ran out, resulting in further work stoppage.
It’s been about 550 days since the F/V 51 arrived at Moore boatyard. And she’s still not ready to get underway. As you can see — in these EXCLUSIVE Crash Report photos taken in mid-March — that Faulkingham’s boat is no way near done.
According to sources, the remaining punch list is long. Lots more fiberglass work, including additional patch-repair and faring (the smoothing and leveling of all the tiny dimples and holes in the fiberglass) needs to be completed before painting. Then, mechanically speaking, still undone are the propulsion, hydraulics, wiring, electronics and other systems. Not to mention the washboard and decks still haven’t been gel-coated. And there are windows still missing.
And, during a phone call last week, a slightly wary Moores told me that his boatyard is all finished with their part of the job. According to Moores, contrary to rumors, Faulkingham has paid-in-full for the work completed. Moores also claimed that within a month, the 51 would be moved to another, un-named location for the work to be completed before an eventual re-launch.
Uhhh. Okay. Sure. I guess I gotta take Moores at his word, although I’ve heard through the grapevine that Faulkingham wasn’t happy with the boatbuilder for revealing to me (last spring) all sorts of details about his boat’s situation, including Faulkingham’s exisiting boat debt, the 200k insurance payout and the boat-fixing plan.
Also, in recent days, I’m hearing a different story from others down on the shore. Notably, that Moore is still owed cash. Plus, the wags point out, it’s pretty unusual to stop a boat-job mid-rehab and finish the boat elsewhere. Especially since Moores’ boatyard could use the work. Business has been lousy lately, sources say, plagued by disgruntled employees, poor morale and work slowdown.
To be clear: It’s not unheard of for a lobsterman to purchase a fiberglass hull and do all the finish work to the boat themselves. But that’s not what Faulkingham’s plan had ever been, according to what Moores told me last spring. And considering how busy Faulkingham is serving as House GOP leader in Augusta, it’s highly unlikely that he has the time or the wrench-turning skills to finish the propulsion, install the electronics and hydraulics and do all the wiring and other stuff necessary before re-launching the 51. Which means he’s gotta pay somebody else to get the job done. And since word from the shore is that Faulkingham’s money-well has gone dry, the vessel’s future remains uncertain.
All of these fiscal-woes makes it even more confusing as to why Faulkingham hasn’t been borrowing his dad’s boat to go out and haul his traps. Sources down on the shore say it’s been “months” since Faulkingham has been spotted in Winter Harbor’s harbor. Been so long since he’s tended his gear that Faulkingham’s buoys are kelp-covered, a sure sign of a lobsterman neglect.
“You can’t even decipher whose buoys they are,” one captain told me.
Which begs the question: how the hell is Faulkingham surviving, fiscally? Because if he’s not hauling traps, he’s not earning money.
[[EDIT: 3/28/25. OOPS. Somehow I messed up legislative salaries, below, and missed that Maine lawmakers just received a pay raise that went into effect in this current legislative session.]]
According to financial disclosures filed with the state, his sole sources of income are lobstering and his legislative stipend. Maine lawmakers get paid $10,815 $25,000 for the 2025 session. Thanks to his leadership gig, Faulkingham gets an additional 25 percent in salary, which comes to $31,250, plus whatever he can claim in mileage and food per diem.
State records also show Faulkingham uses his PAC monies to help with Legislature-related bills, such as meals and suits from the Men’s Wearhouse on “Senator Way” in the strip mall next to the Five Guys burger joint in Augusta.
Gov. Billy-Bob?
While there hasn’t been any official announcement, there’s been chatter in some circles that Faulkingham is contemplating a run for governor as way out of the hole he’s dug for himself, financially and otherwise. After all, next year, he’s term-limited from his House seat and leadership position. And his Christian-Nationalism impulses seem to point to bigger things.
(He could run for the Maine Senate since Marianne Moore will be departing that chamber due to term limits. That’s only a slightly vertical power move, though, and wouldn’t improve his financial situation. In fact, as a freshman in the Maine Senate, he’d earn less than currently because he won’t receive his 25 percent leadership bonus.)
Faulkingham getting elected governor, though, would give the dude a substantial boost in income. While most pols think the $70k annual salary [[Edit: starting in 2026, the gov’s salary will be $125,000]] paid for Maine’s top dog is way too low for the job, (lowest for any U.S. governor), Faulkingham is probably the first candidate in recent memory to view the gov’s wages as a big time pay-raise.
(Laurel Libby also falls into this category, although it’s still not clear if she’s running for governor or intends to primary Sen. Susan Collins.)
Another money-saving bonus for Faulkingham is that the gubernatorial gig includes room and board, complete with housekeeper/cook and other hired hands laboring away in the Blaine House. Which means Faulkingham, his wife and two kids would be able to sleep late and eat large on the taxpayer’s dime, saving him all sorts of cash.
Also, since the Faulkinghams would be residing in the governor’s manse (built in 1833 by a wealthy ship captain named James Hall), Faulkingham could rent out his house in Winter Harbor to help pay off the bills accrued since destroying his vessel.
Of course, the albatross of the boat still lingers. A smarter fella, with more fiscal sense, wouldn’t have gotten himself in such a pickle in the first place, so I’m sure Faulkingham’s brain is burdened trying to figure out what to do with the F/v 51.
Also, any fisherperson with a real work ethic would’ve found a way, by now, to earn the cash necessary to get back underway. And yet, 18 months after sinking his means-of-income, he is still boat-less because of his irresponsible actions.
Which begs another question. If Faulkingham throws his hat into the gubernatorial ring, will the local media report the truth about his incompetence? And will the media reveal that Faulkingham’s “Christian God-angels-rogue wave” story was a tall tale to distract from the fact that he almost killed his sternman and destroyed his family’s primary source of income, while goofing around in the surf to create content for the socials?
Augusta Confidential: Chapter 6
Editor’s note: Resse Calloway is the pseudonym for a currently-serving Maine lawmaker.
Breaking: Rudnicki Scolds Speaker, Fails to Punish Him
By Reese Calloway
When staging a rebellion, common sense calls for prudent leaders to ensure the whole team is ready to fight. Luckily, Maine’s GOP members aren’t commonsensical. Consider Rep. Shelley Rudnicki, the used car saleswoman from the Somerset County town of Fairfield, who tried and failed, today, to censure Speaker of the House Ryan Fecteau because she was unhappy that, on March 20th, the Legislature had to work after 9 p.m., which she claimed violated House Rule 501.
What a crybaby. Oh well, the job she begged for ran a little bit late. Girl, this isn’t a church supper or PTA meeting. This is democracy. We’ve been here before. Sometimes doing the peoples’ work requires a little bit of sacrifice. Pro tip for Rudnicki: Quit yer bitchin’, have another cup of coffee and shove some sugar-cake in your gullet.
You can read Rudnicki’s whole non-sensical and somewhat ludicrous motion below, but SPOILER ALERT. Her bid at slapping the Speaker’s palm with a ruler failed miserably, with 119 opposed and a mere 24 House Republicans in favor of punishing Fecteau.
True to form, certain loquacious House members didn't pass up the chance to grandstand through disjointed floor speeches. The messaging from the usual suspects was inconsistent, incoherent and irrelevant. The only accomplishment: Wasting legislative time while bitching about wasting legislators’ time. You couldn’t make this up if you tried.
Dispatch from the Clown Car
How the hell is this real life? We are down to the fibers of the wire on the budget for Mainers and what’s the House GOP decide to do this week? Govern? Lead? Compromise? Muster an ounce of basic decorum?
Of course not. Don’t be absurd.
Instead of doing what the voters elected them to do, Republican obstructionists presented the chamber with another five-star tasting menu of performative meltdowns, procedural hijinks and tantrums so embarrassing they’d make a substitute kindergarten teacher cry in the supply closet.
To put it simply enough so Billy Bob can understand: Progress in Augusta has stalled because too many in the GOP caucus are more interested in hogwash, soup sandwiches and their own social media engagement metrics than in actual governance.
Rep. Liz Caruso, for example, delivered a much-shared social rant about the length of legislative days. To her, working a full shift was practically a human rights violation. Then she pivoted her screed to yelling about the “right to hunt,” blissfully unaware Mainers already have a constitutional right to food.
Maybe next, she can introduce a “Right to Nap” amendment?
Meanwhile, Laurel Libby continues refusing to apologize. Doesn’t matter that her orange idol demands an “I’m sorry” from our Governor.
My bet is on Janet Mills. All day. Every day. Because Dems are here to work: passing budgets, protecting rights, investing in communities and mopping up after the wingnuts with microphones and zero impulse control.
So, for those of you lucky enough not to be trapped in the halls under the Dome, allow me to paint the scene.
The air has been thick with stale ambition and three-hour-old Keurig coffee. (Don't worry—it’ll be spilled on a fiscal note by noon.) The echo of House and Senate bells ring out like democracy’s deranged doorbell. Constant. Shrill. Endless.
You’re either sprinting toward a hearing. Or waiting 90 minutes for one to begin. No in-between.
Lobbyists in chic eye-frames and orthopedic flats glide through like sharks fluent in Robert’s Rules. Lawmakers mill about, grinning and schmoozing in the hallways, only to transform into legislative middle managers the moment the gavel drops, flinging amendments like dodgeballs and hoping nobody notices the fine print.
It smells like old wood, nervous sweat and a touch of smoldering public trust.
The House Chamber: A Full-On Farce
What is going on with Ken-Doll Fredette, the Newport rep who spends most of his downtime shacked up in southern climes, far from the borders of his district. Why was this bore chosen to kick off the latest budget debate? Or, more importantly, was Jack Ducharme (R-Madison) demoted? And is it true that, after last week’s debacles, Billy Bob locked Ducharme down in the State House basement, with a boombox of “Books on Tape” and Reaganomics fanfic to keep him distracted from attempting any more legislative derring-do?
Who knows? Fredette, though, was clearly chosen as this week’s sacrificial lamb/frontman. And boy, did he serve up a symphony of sedatives. A misdirected, monotone monologue disguised as a speech, delivered with all the panache of a droning DMV clerk on Ambien. Inspirational stuff. (Not.)
Meanwhile, as Crash explained, Billy Bob gave us another round of his signature meltdown routine. Honestly, is it even an official session of the 132nd Legislature if B-B doesn't throw a fit like a NASCAR dad denied Monster at the gas station? At this point, the GOP leader’s legislative activities are less about policy and more about managing his very public feelings. His emotional support Bible didn't help this time, either.
Then there was Rep. David Boyer, who appeared deeply, profoundly zooted. Slurring through floor speeches and squinting like the lights were too loud. Unclear if he was high, sleep-deprived or just in a full blown existential crisis after realizing he’s a member of the most unserious legislative minority in recent memory. His contribution? Apparently on direction from Bossman Billy Bob, Boyer — an apparent striver when it comes to parliamentary procedure — called for a complete reading of every single amendment. Because nothing screams “I have no plan for my constituents” quite like burning 90 minutes on performance art-cum-time-wasting.
Also making his Legislative debut this week was Rep. Quentin Chapman of Auburn, a.k.a. The Man Who Suddenly Materialized, acting like he was assembled from spare parts in the back of a Hobby Lobby. This hollow-eyed, slow-talking marionette offered nothing but rehashed platitudes and vague objections to things he didn’t understand. And yet, somehow, he’s got amendments to offer? Oh. Right. He was the latest recipient of a Laurel Libby Valentine of gripes and moaning. No chocolate, no flowers, just Xeroxed talking points on behalf of his bigoted colleague and a mic he doesn’t know how to handle.
Pro tip for Chapman: When your spiel sounds like an AI model trained only on transcripts of the Sean Hannity Show, we’re gonna clock it.
Now, back to Laurel Libby.
She stood up. That’s it. She just stood. There in the chamber. Silent. That was her contribution to the budget debate. Never mind the fact that she is still in violation of House Rule 401, part 11, which requires an apology before she can speak or vote on the floor.
Pro tip for Libby: Just say, “I’m sorry.” It’s not that hard. Rudnicki and Lemelin managed it last term. Which means, the bar isn’t exactly high.
(Editor’s note: On April 10, 2024, Rep. Michael Lemelin implied, during a speech, that the Lewiston Massacre in 2023, resulting in 18 Mainers being murdered and 13 others seriously wounded, was because his Christian god was angry with Maine’s abortion laws. Then, Rep. Shelley Rudnicki stood up to say she agreed with her colleague's assessment that a wrath-filled deity would trigger a murderous rampage due to legislative actions. Both members were censured. And, unlike Libby, both apologized.
“Please accept this formal apology,” Lemelin said almost immediately after his censure. “I accept full responsibility for my remarks on the House floor on the evening of April 10. I publicly apologize to my colleagues in the House, the people connected to the horrible events of Oct. 25 and to the state of Maine.”)
Libby, though, is opting for the “stubborn toddler refusing to clean her room” method of governance and as if rules were just libtard suggestions. While I’m not a psychiatrist, it’s tempting to diagnose Libby as having “oppositional defiant disorder,” a real condition (usually in kids) that consists of yelling, demanding and repeating the demands, with no acknowledgment to wrongness or rules. If I thought Libby had any sense of self-awareness, I’d be embarrassed for her.
And what’s a diva without a loyal hanger-on-turned-handler? Rep. Tracy Quint is now fully cast as Libby’s emotional support and mouthpiece. Every whack-job right-wing showboat needs a spinner. Trump had Kellyanne Conway. Libby has Quint repeatedly rising on cue, to offer amendments, objections and moral outrage.
The big difference, though, is Quint makes Conway look like a Harvard Kennedy School fellow. Also, Kellyanne at least knew where the cameras were.
The Senate: Toddler Time in Ties
Speaking of offensive theater, even the more composed chamber couldn't escape the contagion of the absurd. Sen. Mark Lawrence said it best: "It’s July Minority Madness in March.”
Congress is passing budgets with slim majorities, yet here in Maine, our GOP is stomping their feet about being "disenfranchised" like a toddler who dropped their iPad in a puddle. The math doesn’t lie, folks; you’re in the minority because the people said so. Cope.
Sen. Trey Stewart took to roll-calling everything. Motions. Readings. (Drink orders, probably.) Almost as if Stewart were preparing for an audition at the Aroostook County Community Theater production of Mr. Smith Goes to Augusta. If he thinks many motions and calls for roll-calling qualifies as leadership, someone should tell him that "being annoying" isn’t a recognized tactic to make friends and influence people.
Senate President Mattie Daughtry was getting getting miffed by delay. She also wasn’t happy with the loud prattle of GOP lawmakers, telling members to take the chatter out back. Or shut up altogether. A radical concept for this year’s crop of Republicans: follow the rules.
Chamber staff, fyi, are akin to the guards at Buckingham Palace, except our “guards” can move. And they can tell lawmakers to put a lid on the noise and enforce other parliamentary procedures. Nothing phases or distracts these heroes from their mission of keeping lawmakers from loudly chit-chating. Their enforcement, often, is simply whispering in the offender’s ear. Or a tap on the shoulder with “take conversations to the back” gesture.
(Or, sometimes, a finger-pointing reminder to a forgetful member that there’s no eating or drinking in the chamber.)
Anyhoo, after the President’s scolding, Bennett rose to ask why they were being silenced. Ummmm ‘cuz you’re real freaking loud and disruptive. And this isn’t study hall, bro.
Yes, folks, we’ve reached “Objection to being told to behave like adults” levels of meltdown. With Stewart and Matt Harrington (aka Paul LePage Jr.) at the wheel, Bennett feared losing control over his little Senate marionette theater. This isn't censorship, Rick: it’s crowd control.
Like I said earlier: smells like old wood, nervous sweat and a touch of smoldering public trust.
Next up? Guns and reproductive rights, which promises to be a real shit-show. See you then…assuming they haven’t renamed the state bird the AR-15.
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I'm torn between hysterical laughter and tears! Good reading and fine writing, too.🕊🌻